Perfectly Imperfect

I met a girl today. 

It was the first day I go out after a hectic week. Black week, as I would call it. Haven’t totally recovered yet but couple of friends insisted I show up at their place, to set my mood for fun. They very much failed at it, even though they’ve been trying hard (bless them). Anyways, I wasn’t much interested in any of it, and as I was about to leave, a very interesting conversation started, with this girl.

My friend was saying she’s with a guy, happy. But in love with another. How did she judge? From the way she acted in front of him, probably.

The whole she couldn’t breathe normally, the shaking, the butterflies, the bathroom every two seconds; the everything I missed about a ghost from the past.

It very much caught my attention, and so I wanted to know what was the end of her story, what did she do when she knew she was turn between the what the mind wants and what the heart wants.

It seemed that we had a lot in common. Giving that the fact that the crush started from liking the guy’s name, you’d think its silly now but it got me interested bunch. From the minute she spilled her story, I knew what she was talking about.

She was talking as if my heart was. I heard everything I once silently thought about, between myself and I, never would have shared it with anyone, no one would understand what’s it like to avoid what the heart was telling you, and what reality really was.

I miss him, yes. I type this and I’m positive sure how stupid it really is. Letting your guards down just for this one person, who unintentionally makes you weak inside.

How can a thing that didn’t last two months, kills you to pieces? I wonder.

Two years had passed and I still try to figure it out. Today, I realize, I very much –pushed- the ideas, the feelings, the thoughts away at a certain point, I don’t ever want to look back at those beautiful days I spent, loving him.

Today, I decide to be a stubborn person and –try- to let those feelings back, I stop my mind from telling me what to do, for an unknown curiosity. I just would like to see what would happen. And it all came back to me; he can’t be anything -but that guy.

How can one person makes you so happy, yet so miserable. People like him must be inhuman.

I’m sure every person, at some time on their lives, went through the same thing, I’m sure of that. Because I can’t be the only one who lacks colors in life b’cuz of it. Lacks fine taste in food, lacks excitement in the afterward relationships.

Normally I would try to analyze such things, come up with theories and adjustments to feed the heart with something possible to believe. I’m sad to admit that I failed on this one. Can’t seem to come up with something to satisfy the heart with.

Time heals everything, people say. But what if time had decided to strike a knife on your back and leave you with nothing. Time had betrayed me. Instead of fixing it, it only made it worse. The more time I give it, the more a little piece of me dies within. Parts of me keep on drifting away each time I try to take control of things.

I surrender myself to fate. I raise my hands up in the air and shout, I give up.