Relentless Contradiction

I’m a coward.

I refuse to face my fears. I always decide to settle down with what I currently have. I take no risks knowing what the results would be. How? Because I watch people, I study what they go through. This is the way I learn. By watching other people’s actions.

Sometimes, when you’re the happiest as you could ever be, you become frightened of the thought that life might take it all away in a blink of an eye.

You tell yourself that its nonsense and that you shouldn’t contain your head with such thoughts, and decide not to worry.

But too late, the thought settled down in your unconscious mind, alarming you with signs that it-will-go-away soon.

An endless inner battle between wanting to go with it, and thinking it’s not worth it, it’ll end.

How to find an antidote for childhood cuts you went thru, is what I find myself seeking.

Committing to someone for the rest of your life brings back tough memories. The constant fear of who gets bored of who first, who loses respect for the other, and how will you ever cope with being with someone 24/7, letting them see you for who you truly are, whether it’s the good or the bad.

Sometimes I try to convince myself its not as scary as I think it is, since I’m one hundred per cent sure of what I want, but again (like most of the time) I get cold feet. I think of running only I stop for a minute and consider why running? If I kept on running I will run forever.

I tell myself I wouldn’t find a better person, especially when feeling calm around him almost always. In another part of my mind, something tells me maybe it’s a good thing to leave it all, for the hope that I –could- find a better person later on. I’m obviously kidding myself, ‘cause if I run once, I will run twice and three times. Maybe even more.

There’s a constant battle in my head, it’s a war of wanting to take the risk and wanting to continue living in the safe zone, where I can put up with self and self’s failures.

You would think maybe if you shared your issues with your other-part-to-be that it might help. I disagree actually, for you never know whether they might take advantage of that information or not. If you asked them to bear with your issues they most probably will agree to that since everyone comes with a package. But aren’t you giving them the power to control you? Isn’t it enough to confess your love to them?

Something doesn’t feel right. It should not be this hard wanting to be with someone. You should not think of every possible detail that might or might not happen. You-should-let-it-go.

If only I can organize such positive thoughts in my head. For once, I would like to stop thinking about the possibilities and just go with the flow.

The thought itself trembles me to the bones, there’s always more to what it looks like.